Am I a hypocrite?

I might think a little bit too much, but one thing is piercing my mind

Am I a hypocrite?

Ok, this might not be the question that you ask yourself every day, but I can’t help but think about it. I’m a person who likes to observe people, including myself.

Even though I got myself into trouble for this a few times.

So what is a hypocrite, in short? Someone who’s not genuine, not true to themselves.

We see these types of people every day. Especially at work, university, college, school, and so on. People lie, betray, and cheat on each other. Yet, they still find their way in life, without even feeling bad.

Now, I want you to ask yourself a question: am I a hypocrite?

Sounds weird, right? You might be like, What do you mean?

Let me explain myself.

We complain about others’ being untrustworthy, guys/girls not being loyal, friends being ungrateful, or our parents not loving us the way they do with our siblings.

But what about you?

Are you always real to yourself?

Do you stay faithful all the time?

Do you trust God, even though everything is falling apart?

Are you still positive, even when things aren’t the best?

Are we genuine?

I’m afraid not.

This hits hard, because it reminds me of a poem by Shakespeare.

“You say you love the rain.

But you open your umbrella.

You say you love the sun.but you find a shadow spot.

You say you love the wind.

But you close your windows. T

his is why I'm afraid when you say you love me.”

―William Shakespeare

How hard it is to be honest when you’re dead inside.

And how hurtful it is to play the strong girl when you know deep down you’re soulless.

Pretending to be okay all the time, hiding away our true emotions, wiping away our tears when our parents/partner enter the room, yet we’re not a hypocrite, right?

Cuz we love positivity, we love fooling ourselves, and we absolutely are obsessed with looking like we’re on cloud 9 when we’re the saddest to the core.

Because, that’s how it is, right?

That’s what they told us.

That’s the way we were raised, and that’s what everyone does.

There’s this song in Turkish, “Kendime yalan söyledim“ by Seksendört, which basically sums up this situation. I didn’t understand it as a kid, but I get it now. And I feel it with every single cell in my body.

Bazı şeyler kaybetmeden sevilmiyor.

Some things are not loved without loss.

Bedenim burada ama ruhum kabul etmiyor, ah.

My body is here, but my soul refuses to accept it.

Kendime yalan söyledim.

I’ve lied to myself.

Yalnızım, bunu ben istedim.

I am alone—this is what I wanted.

Paramparça bütün aynalar

All the mirrors are shattered now.

İçinde kan revan birisi var.

Inside, there’s someone covered in blood.

Yaşadığım ne varsa ben seçtim, ben istedim.

Every experience, every feeling—it's what I chose, what I wanted.

Artık sabah uyandığım ses annem değil.

My mother’s voice no longer wakes me in the morning.

Ser verip sır vermedim.

I never gave away my secrets.

Cesaret ister böyle itiraflar.

Such confessions demand courage.

Söylemesi zor.

It’s hard to speak them aloud.

Tek korkum bu kadar.

That’s all I fear…

I don’t know about you, but I’ve decided to stay true to myself; I no longer say I’m fine when I’m obviously not fine. I choose to feel every emotion that is coming at the moment, instead of ignoring it until it hits me in the middle of nowhere.

I used to hide in my shoes, trying to ignore every emotion, as if I was trying to protect myself. For some reason, I thought it was going to save me from getting my heart broken, but it didn’t. Instead, I’ve learned I’m still learning how to manage and live with my emotions. And I’m going to make God, myself, and everyone who loves me proud; that’s all I want in life. Because everything has a purpose and a reason to be in your life, most importantly, I want to leave you with this quote: not everyone is supposed to stay in your life forever. Some people are meant to teach us; they’re going to be remembered as lessons. Because someone who lives in darkness wouldn’t understand what light’s worth.

And after all these things we discussed about, now ask yourself, are you a hypocrite?

Maybe, when you liked a story only because you saw so many people pushing out on that liking button.

When you hated/loved a celebrity only due to the fact that so many others did.

Maybe our moms, when we asked if they want anything for their birthday, or our dads when we asked them if they’re ever tired.

At the end of the day, we’re all a bunch of liars.

But hypocrisy is not the thing I stated on by one. It’s a lot bigger than that.

If your whole life is a lie, if you can’t even go on your day without lying to your loved ones, if you don’t even like yourself, that’s the real betrayal.

This is the real betrayal, and your soul, mind, and body will not forget it.

One day, when your ability to see, hear, speak, and walk stops, you will realize how dumb it was to complain about it. When you accept the reality, it is easier to stay true to yourself.

But I put my trust in you; I believe that you’ll find your way in life. Sooner or later, you’ll understand it.

If you can be there for others, then you can be there for your own mental state of mind too. If you’re the listener, problem-solving friend like me, then start applying it in your own life first.

To be or not to be?

To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause—there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry

And lose the name of action.

By William Shakespeare

(from Hamlet, spoken by Hamlet)

If you don’t want to “be“ in the next morning, then this is about you.

This might be your sign to improve and believe in yourself, your power to change everything. Stay true to yourself and never stop hoping for the future.

Cuz your “why“s are someone’s “please“s.

With peace, Zəhra

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